“Pain is on the way out now”

Go to bed now I can tell
Pain is on the way out now
Look at the way the domino falls away”

I’ve been going out to see my dying friend Doug for the past month. I try to go once or twice a week.

At first it was hard emotionally, but yet easy. He has cancer, but he was relatively mobile, still eating and doing normal things like messaging and calling me.

Doug was still Doug.

He was able to have long conversations. Laughing at each other, telling stories and, “remember when’s?”

(We had a long fruitful friendship that was very wholesome. My memory is canceling out that period of time when his cancer came back and he:

  1. Decided he wanted me
  2. Pursued me
  3. Deeply hurt me
  4. When I wanted to die)

The absolute beauty of Doug as a friend is his ability to dialogue in conversation, not monologue.

When you talk, he is deeply plugged in to what you are saying, and he listens with rapt attention.

What you are relating may be boring in general, but he has the gift of wanting to know it, because it’s important to you.

When he talks, he has the unique ability to return what you have said in ways that let you know he heard you.

I had already learned to live without it, but he was a gem in that arena.

~~~

When I brought dinner last Sunday, he couldn’t stand for the first time.

“Sit here,” he said, patting the chair beside his bed. “Tell me some work stories.”

Doug later fell asleep so his wife and I discussed his birthday party, and my “assistant to the cupcake caterer” role was assigned.

Monday came and they canceled the party due to his energy level, then it was discovered Tuesday that his kidneys were failing.

I knew he was fading, but I don’t think I had realized how fast it was about to be.

Radio silence then ensued and I had no idea if he was dead or alive.

So last night when I got off work, I drove out.

(To be continued…)

Pain-The War on Drugs

Go to bed now I can tell
Pain is on the way out now
Look at the way the domino falls away

I know it’s hard looking in
Knowing that tomorrow you’ll be back again
Hang your head and let me in, I’m waiting
So long

I met a man with a broken back
He had a fear in his eyes that I could understand
I can’t even shake the hand
Without breaking it

I’ve been pulling on a wire, but it just won’t break
I’ve been turning up the dial, but I hear no sound
I resist what I cannot change
And I wanna find what can’t be found

I’m just pulling on a wire, but it just won’t break
I’ve been turning up the dial, but I hear no sound
I resist what I cannot change, own it in your own way

Yeah, I wanna find what can’t be found

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