It crashes over me. Then he says, “Forgive yourself”

From the archives. Wow. So much change.

All the pain of the past year crashed over me today and tonight. I realized that Doug didn’t really want to be friends again, no matter what he said. He was just manipulating me to insure I delivered on the professional services I’ve provided the past two weeks.

Around 1:00 pm I just couldn’t deal with knowing that any longer, so I went to bed and stayed there until after 7:00 pm. Any work I had to do, I did from my phone. (Thank you Steve Jobs.) Lights off, curtains drawn. Pretending to be asleep.

I felt so sorry for myself. I cried off an on all day. Boo hoo. I hate myself for doing that.

IF I WOULD LEARN TO KEEP THE WALLS UP WHERE DOUG IS CONCERNED HE WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO HURT ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN. But yeah, I’m a slow learner.

What a pity party. And I don’t like self-pity. Why am I living there then?

Then a post popped into my inbox that pricked my heart so deeply:

5 min Cure to the Toxic pity party

Reading that post really helped me see that all of this pain is self-inflicted and I’m awash in self pity. This entire blog is a monument to self pity. And I hate it. But I had to face it and see my grief and pain for what it is.

Self pity.

So, I do what I’ve so often done since February of 2018. I tell Adam.

I say, “I’m just telling you because you are the only person who knows [the back story.] Don’t worry about a reply.”

But of course he does reply.

He’s busy, I know that. He has to study. He has a life. He has a job. But I tell him my self-discovery anyway, and I tell him my pain.

He says, “Forgive yourself.”

I reply, “I can’t. I don’t deserve it.”

He laughs. “Who does?”

“Forgive yourself.”

“Forgive yourself.”

“Forgive yourself.”

I let myself feel the tiniest bit of hope. The burden starts to lift. I un-clench my fists. I dry my eyes.

I feel hope.

“Forgive yourself.”

 

02 02 19

Go to bed now I can tell
Pain is on the way out now
Look at the way the domino falls away

I met a man with a broken back
He had a fear in his eyes that I could understand
I can’t even shake the hand
Without breaking it

I’ve been pulling on a wire, but it just won’t break
I’ve been turning up the dial, but I hear no sound
I resist what I cannot change
And I wanna find what can’t be found

“Forgive yourself.”

“Repeat after me, I will be able.”

Please God, help me forgive myself.

Then, maybe I can forgive him.

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13 comments

  1. That sounds like a tremendously painful time Angel.

    BTW – i couldn’t publish your comment on my post earlier – you are soooooo good at reading in between the lines. But I am biding my time. It’s much too early for me. I am still reeling at all the changes in store. I may drop hints on my future, but only because I am excited.

    Liked by 1 person

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