From the archives. Wow. So much change.
All the pain of the past year crashed over me today and tonight. I realized that Doug didn’t really want to be friends again, no matter what he said. He was just manipulating me to insure I delivered on the professional services I’ve provided the past two weeks.
Around 1:00 pm I just couldn’t deal with knowing that any longer, so I went to bed and stayed there until after 7:00 pm. Any work I had to do, I did from my phone. (Thank you Steve Jobs.) Lights off, curtains drawn. Pretending to be asleep.
I felt so sorry for myself. I cried off an on all day. Boo hoo. I hate myself for doing that.
IF I WOULD LEARN TO KEEP THE WALLS UP WHERE DOUG IS CONCERNED HE WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO HURT ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN. But yeah, I’m a slow learner.
What a pity party. And I don’t like self-pity. Why am I living there then?
Then a post popped into my inbox that pricked my heart so deeply:
Reading that post really helped me see that all of this pain is self-inflicted and I’m awash in self pity. This entire blog is a monument to self pity. And I hate it. But I had to face it and see my grief and pain for what it is.
So, I do what I’ve so often done since February of 2018. I tell Adam.
I say, “I’m just telling you because you are the only person who knows [the back story.] Don’t worry about a reply.”
But of course he does reply.
He’s busy, I know that. He has to study. He has a life. He has a job. But I tell him my self-discovery anyway, and I tell him my pain.
He says, “Forgive yourself.”
I reply, “I can’t. I don’t deserve it.”
He laughs. “Who does?”
I let myself feel the tiniest bit of hope. The burden starts to lift. I un-clench my fists. I dry my eyes.
I feel hope.
Go to bed now I can tell
Pain is on the way out now
Look at the way the domino falls away
I met a man with a broken back
He had a fear in his eyes that I could understand
I can’t even shake the hand
Without breaking it
I’ve been pulling on a wire, but it just won’t break
I’ve been turning up the dial, but I hear no sound
I resist what I cannot change
And I wanna find what can’t be found
“Repeat after me, I will be able.”
Please God, help me forgive myself.
Then, maybe I can forgive him.