He’s still apologizing

Doug. He keeps apologizing. Almost every day he messages me and says he’s sorry for something.

He’s sorry for an inappropriate conversation. I told him I was guilty too.

“You didn’t say anything. You just listened.”

True, but I shouldn’t have. I did hang up after a few minutes, when I figured out where he was going with it, but I told him my battery died so he wouldn’t feel rejected.

And on the plus side of that, I honestly can’t remember what he said.

“I’m sorry I told you I loved you when I really didn’t. I was just sexually attracted to you.”

Okay, friend, don’t worry about it. It’s all over, forgotten and forgiven. It was a silly interlude, that’s all.

I still don’t get why though.

“It’s something about your mind, how we could talk for hours. I was never bored with you. Being friends with you was always meaningful.”

Thanks Doug, that’s nice of you.

“I did care about you though, I still do. You made me feel happy and nurtured. You made me feel interesting.”

That’s me, earth mother to the world.

“I’m so sorry I was hateful to you. That’s what bothers me the most, that I did that to you. And for so long.”

It’s okay, please please stop worrying about it. It’s under the bridge and under the blood.

“I want you to know I’m not that person. I’m not that way.”

I know buddy. I tried to remember the Good Doug. Sometimes I even wrote about you, and how confused I was when you started doing those things.

It’s ok, it’s ok, it’s ok.

~~~

I don’t tell him this, but every time he apologizes for something, it reminds me of pain.

It hurts. Not like the original situation, but it’s hard to hear all these things.

I’m not that same person either. I don’t want to be reminded of her.

But I answer when he calls, and I listen. I always reply if he sends a message.

Because he’s dying, and I just don’t know what to do about that.

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please

Beyond the door there’s peace I’m sure
And I know there’ll be no more tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong and carry on
‘Cause I know I don’t belong here in heaven

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3 thoughts on “He’s still apologizing

  1. Can you ask yourself a question?? ‘Whould I act the same way if he wasn’t dying?’
    This is a fragile situation and I know what it feels to get stuck.
    And when you hear 50 attachments with sorry.
    I did this but I wanted this and did not want this.. come on stop hurting us all over again.

    Thanks for writing honestly. I have been following and it’s been helping. I dont know how but it’s been..

    Liked by 1 person

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